Not only did I do a double sized Life with Death for the April Fools issue, Iw as asked to write a humorous article as well. I didn't need the work but was happy to do it. I came up with the concept and the article came very quickly. Here it is...
“No Bottom-Half Clothes” Trend Sweeps The Campus
Written by: Matt Lassen
Students are creating quite a stir with the newest trend on campus known as “The News Anchor.” This movement includes only wearing clothes on the top half of the body. When asked why this craze is growing so fast, one student replied, “Because everyone likes a little breeze down there.”
Girls, in particular, feel the trend has helped in everyday interaction. “I no longer have guys staring at my chest,” said Delilia Dizzlededo. “Plus I’m self-conscious of my shoulders so, win win.”
Professors and faculty members continue to be fully clothed and show their age as well as their inability to keep up with the modern times. Seth Speilberg, a Professor in the Film Department, (No relation to Steven), said “I have no authority anymore. The students think they are better than me since I’m wearing pants. I’m the Weatherman to their news anchor. They don’t listen to me since the Weatherman if usually wrong.”
The trend has caused the biggest controversy in the Physical Education Department. “The aerobics classes are the worst. I refuse to teach them anymore. It’s all jumping jacks, squat thrusts and toes touches. I have no where to look and the sound of flopping flesh, it’ll haunt your dreams.” said disturbed Coach Michael O’Flaritty. After our interview, Coach O’Flaritty had to subsequently take the semester off to endure intense daily psychiatric sessions.
Coach O’Flaritty’s classes have been taken over by the blind coach of Brooklyn College’s Dart Team “The Bull’s Eyes”, Coach Mario Miguel Dominiquez Martine-Ingres-De’LaMorelo.” Coach Miguel Dominiquez Martine-Ingres-De’LaMorelo’s past job as an airplane traffic director at Kennedy Airport has helped in the college’s choice of replacement. “I was the only one who owned their own noise cancellation headphones. I might talk really loud with them on but being without two senses at once, I have a nose like a German Sheppard now. Most of these students need a shower.”
The only professor that seems to have accepted the craze is Marshall Simpleton, Professor of North East South American Literature. “The first time I saw it I was horrified, I’ll be honest. I thought they were playing a practical joke on me but I got used to it. Now I prefer it that way. I’m supposed to be unbiased as a teacher but in modern America, I, as a teacher have to favor in if the student is wearing pants or not.”
The biggest question left to be answered is “Where did the trend originate?” One story talks of a noble revolutionary known only as “Jim”, a student cameraman in Brooklyn College’s Television and Radio Department. The tall tale states that upon working on a final project in the hot, humid basement of Whitehead Hall, Jim declared the room, a pants-free zone. After subsequently taking off his tightey-whitey to ring them out from sweat, he couldn’t take it upon himself to put them back on. After seeing how relaxed and at ease Jim was, everyone tried it.
Those who refute the tale of Jim starting “The News Anchor” trend, point to the myth of Megan Millitey. Megan, who was never fond of pants from an early age, wore booty shorts in the winter and bikini bottoms throughout the summer. Finally she felt there was no reason to live a life of lies and fabrication anymore. She came out to her family first as a “freedom bottomer” and after some apprehension, her parents decided to support her lifestyle. “What do you want me to say? Sure I don’t understand it but that’s what makes her happy. She’s my daughter and I love her if she wears bottoms or not,” said Dennis Millety, Fire Chief of Engine 123.
Whether you believe the tale of Jim or the myth of Megan, all that’s certain is Brooklyn College’s campus is full of naked bottomed students. The front office can’t complain since GPA’s have sky-rocketed as well as the number of guys who like to stand with one foot bent and elevated on another surface known as “The News Anchor on Captain Morgan.” As always, whether you are relaxing in pants with sandals or without any bottoms at all, wearing socks with them is still a social fo paux.
